We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun
We are warriors
-“This is Me” from The Greatest Showman
Photo Credit: Hope Bailey Photography
I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for a while now. I’m very late to the party, I know, I know. I’m so late that we’re past blogs, past vlogs, and now onto podcasts. I’ll be honest – I am too socially awkward to be funny in person. My dry wit is best consumed via written word rather than my own androgynous narration. Trust me, that narration is the 24/7 soundtrack to the inside of my brain. Besides which, this gives me the time to remember that funny story/quip/comeback that I can never come up with in real-time.
I’m here in the hopes that this will somehow help me. I get angry easily. We all can. But I’m talking wanting-to-punch-through-a-wall-when-I-get-an-email-I-read-as-snarky-but-not-actually-doing-it angry. Not actively aggressive, but certainly affecting my life, my work, and sometimes, unfortunately, those around me.
When I was younger, my go-to phrase when I came across something vaguely irritating was “that makes me angry to be an American.” I by no means wish to politicize here, this was just my 12-year-old self’s version of #firstworldproblems. For example, the fact that the pockets on girl’s/women’s pants are never big enough to put what you need in them. Say it with me: That makes me angry to be an American. Nothing really to do with being American, but it made my sister laugh. She still does, to this day.
The point is, I have some grievances. And being an introvert, I have a tendency towards listening rather than speaking. Add to that the fact that I am a woman working in a man’s field (engineering), so I can’t get a word in edgewise even when I want to. All these grievances go unsaid.
I’ve been in a haze for approximately the past two years. Anyone who watches the news or late-night TV can probably guess why. But being the way that I am, I just couldn’t make light of what is happening in the world. I wish that I could just poke fun à la Stephen Colbert or Trevor Noah. That seems easier than shouldering every negativity I encounter as if it is my own personal burden to bear. I’m 28 now, so this was all happening as I was (and am) trying to come into my own as an adult. But everything suddenly became so real and, frankly, tragic that I simply shut down. The idealistic façade I had placed on my life with all of my expectations and hopes and dreams was gone (#thanksObama). Without too much detail, I was in a bad way. I’m coming out of the haze, but with the realization that I haven’t really been living these past few years. I don’t want to be that way. I want to be strong. But the fact is I can’t do that on my own.
So here I am. I don’t want to get
bogged down in politics, or self-pity, or negativity, or hate. I want to find a
way around that. So, I am going to share with you all of the things that piss
me off, get them off my chest here, and hopefully entertain you in the process.
Maybe you’ll agree, maybe you won’t. Maybe you have some trick up your sleeve
that will help me and others cope with the darkness within and/or without.
Maybe you have some grievances to share as well. Maybe you will even find that
you are one of the things that makes me angry to be an American. Maybe I’ll get
bored after two weeks of this and never write another post. But, maybe someday
I won’t have to take the time to write all this down. Then you and me can just
go for a beer instead.